listen to my heart..

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you, little blog.. Now I feel like I need you back. I need someone to listen to me, hear me cry.

I do not dare to read the past entries.. Tho most of it are entries I wrote in rage, but it will still remind me of days when we were together. As a couple.

We broke up. But we are still seeing each other. I have no idea what you call this kind of relationship. But I just can’t let him go entirely. I feel like I can’t go on without him. I need him to be around…. I still love him, so much..

tsk.

Later!

bodoh. bangang.

he is so clueless !!!!!

and i’m fucking pissed off.

sakit nya hati !!!

berangan je ni…

I saw Kak Farah earlier at T2. With her hubby (I didnt even know she’s married!), and her 2yr old son… And, she’s 5mths pregnant! Best nya kan !!?

And I was super jealous la. I want that.. I want a family. I want to be pregnant.. I want a child…

There is so much that I want…

I want him. I want to be his wife, I want to be the mother to his children.  (hAHA. but Im not… that will be cik puan arniza) Argh. I HATE THINKING ABT THIS !!!!!

Nowadays, whenever I look at couples, with their kids, my heart breaks into a million pieces….

I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT !!!

Whenever I look at little kids.. I imagine how fulfilling it must be to be a mother….

When I read blogs.. about mothers n kids, and pregnancy n labor … I’ll cry… I want to feel all that…

There was this blog, the husband wrote abt how he loves the wife so much, how he truly appreciates  his wife, bcos she gave him the most precious thing in his whole life, which is the new born.. and I was cryingg….. like nangis teresak esak. He must feel that way for his wife.. kan?

One reason why I envy that woman, to the extent of hating her… she is the mother of he’s most precious.. she brought them to this world… They are half of her….

MMG JELES GILA NAK MAMPOS LA ! erghhhh.

SIal la. malas la nak sambung.

arGhHHhhHHhh !!

Sakit nya hati ! sakit sgt sgt sgt ! terlalu sakit ! tak terkata sakit nya mcm mana !

Tau tak mcm mana rasanya kalau hati sakit?

Mcm kena pijak2. kena cucuk2. kena siat2.

Mcm susah nak bernafas. dada rasa berat sgt.

Mcm nak hantuk kepala ke dinding. Nak pukul2 dinding.

Mcm nak lempar segala benda yg depan mata.

Mcm nak jerit kuat kuat. Nak maki hamun.

Mcm nak sepak terajang.

Mcm nak mati…

Mcm tu la…

Tapi aku tak buat semua tuh….. Selama ni, apa yg aku mampu buat ialah tarik napas dalam dalam…. pejam mata… mintak utk aku boleh sabar.. dan cuba ingat yg baik2… cuba utk menerima keadaan… cuba utk lupakan yg aku ni sebenarnya tgh sakit hati tahap tertinggi, tinggi sgt tak terkata tinggi nya.

Kesimpulannya, sakit hati mcm mana pun, aku pendam je. Cuba utk cool down. Tapi kekadang tu, aku kalah jugak la… aku melenting jugak… Mula la nak mengade, nak mengamuk, nak merajuk, nak mcm2.. SALAH AKU ke? Aku tatau mcm mana lagi nak hilangkan rasa sakit hati ni.

Seriously, aku rasa cukup masa aku mesti perlukan bantuan professional. Kadang2 aku terkejut dgn diri… Sebelum ni, tak pernah aku emosional sgt sampai ke tahap hysterical. Tak pernah aku nak rasa sakit hati bagai nak mati, lepastu melalak, meraung, hentak2 badan, tendang2 semua benda depan mata aku, lempar henpon, lempar bantal, tarik rambut, tumbuk2 tilam.. segalanya la aku da buat…

Kadang2 tu, aku rasa mcm aku hampir gila!

Aku ada terbaca somwhere… kalau terlalu byk pendam perasaan, boleh menganggu kesihatan mental.. kalau terlalu sgt menyimpan rasa, boleh menanggu emosi.

Aku da sampai ke tahap gangguan mental ke nih?

iSH.. entah la.

Lagi satu perubahan pada diri aku ni… Aku da jadi obsessive sgt. SGT. Dan mmg perasaan ni susah sgt di buang.. Dgn perasaan obsessive ni, mula la aku sakit hati pasal mcm2.. mula la sessi emo aku. iskkKk.

Yg lagi menjahanamkan diri… keadaan aku. Bayangkan la.. kalau da obsessive, pulak tu bercinta dgn laki org. TAK JAHANAM KAN DIRI KE? Lebih2 lagi saat2 dia dgn family.

BOLEH BAYANGKAN TAK SAKIT NYA MACAM MANA? BOLEH DAKKK !?!??!?!!?

Mmg aku ni jenis cepat cemburu… tapi dulu2 aku masih boleh act cool. Sekarang ni takde nak menten2 cool lagi…. tekanan terlalu hebat… aku da hampir gila da !

Skrg ni aku da jadi minah cengeng. sikit2 merajuk. sikit2 nangis. sikit2 melalak.  Aku takmo mcm tu… Aku faham sgt, perangai mcm tuh boleh buat org menyampah.. Mmg aku menyampah dgn diri sendiri…

tapi hakikatnya… AKU TAK BOLEH NAK KAWAL PERASAAN NI ! Kadang2 tu.. aku cuba utk sabar.. cuba utk tidak bertindak tapiiiii iskkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…. sakiiittt tak terkata, hati tak puas gila… aku kena gak buat sesuatu. Bukan selalu aku boleh berjaya pendamkan perasaan.

Bila da mcm2 tu.. Bila aku da ngade2… Konfirm la kena marah.. Kena hamun. Lagi la sakit hati.. lagi la rasa mcm nak blah jerrr…. lagi la aku mengamuk… Tapi kena pendam gak. So. rasanya, satu arini sure aku gila jugak laa..

Entah la.

Aku cuma nak org faham.. tapi tu la.. org lain pun ada masalah sendiri. takkan nak cater to aku 24 jam kan? takkan nak duk pujuk aku, dodoi aku kan? So, aku cuba la utk faham org lain… dan dgn memahami org lain, aku cuba la utk pujuk diri sendiri…. cuba utk hilangkan rasa sakit hati.. cuba utk bersabar….

Hmmm.. harap2 aku terus boleh bertahan.

Ishh….

siapa dia sebenarnya…?

NO. I’M NOT OK.

I’M SO NOT OK.

AND IT SUCKS TO PRETEND TO BE OK.

why is it that everytime we meet, we have sex?

why can’t i stop myself?

is it the only motivating factor for us?

I Have Nothing

Share my life, take me for what I am
Cause Ill never change all my colours for you
Take my love, Ill never ask for too much
Just all that you are and everything that you do

I dont really need to look very much further
I dont want to have to go where you dont follow
I wont hold it back again, this passion inside
Cant run from myself
Theres nowhere to hide
(your love Ill remember forever)

Dont make me close one more door
I dont wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Dont walk away from me…
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I dont have you, you, you, you.

You see through, right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of you love
I never knew love like Ive known it with you
Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to

where did i go wrong?

I’ve been trying so hard…

It’s exhausting.

And it’s even more heartbreaking when, he gets angry everytime he calls.

I feel like a failure.. I always seem to get him all worked up, no matter what I do. I always seem to make him angry… always seem to get on his nerves. I always don’t seem to understand… I always don’t get things right.. I take too much time to answer easy questions.. I’m slow at replying his smses…

I never seem to do things right.

I really don’t want to cry.

I’m exhausted. The headaches are back.

I really don’t need this now. Not when I’m grappling around, trying to be strong…

I don’t want to cry…….. but I can’t seem to stop.

My stomach always reacted badly to tuna, and I actually forgot about it today.. had Tuna n Mushroom Pie for sahur… and i’ve been throwing up since earlier on..

And the headaches are back.

knn