arghHHHH

this is draining me.. mentally, physically, emotionally.

its affecting my health, my well being and even my relationship with others.

it’s affecting ME. badly.

I cant do this anymore. I’m tired.  I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stand this.

I’m not the sort to stand by, and tolerate. I can never be that. I DON’T WISH TO TOLERATE ANYMORE.

Enough. There’s no point denying, no need to save it, no use of holding on tight….. Its obvious, i’m not made for sharing, and this relationship is not for me. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it.

I love him. With all my heart and soul. I love this man. I need this man. But what I can’t handle is the very fact that he has got a family.

And along the way I’d realised that, I’ve got no qualms abt hurting the wife, fuck, I really don’t give much shit. I do pity the kids a bit. However, the one thing that’s stopping me, is myself. I can’t do this to myself.

This has been affecting me too much. The dizzy spells, the throbbing headaches, the tummyache, the puking. It has got to stop. This is causing undue stress, and I need it to stop. I might be heading head on to a depression. I don’t want that.

I am not made for sharing. I want to be in a normal relationship. I want to be the only one. No other…

I minta maaf, I tahu u cuba yg terbaik, yg terbaik u mampu… tapi i perlukan lebih dari ni. I inginkan lebih dari ni. Biar, I la yg segala-galanya. I lah yg satu-satunya… I perlukan itu. I mahukan itu. I terlalu sayangkan u, terlalu sgt. Dan I tak boleh terima hakikat yg u milik org lain, dan bukan hak i. I tak akan boleh terima kenyataan itu. I tahu, I tak ada pilihan lain… jadi, I rasa ini lah yg terbaik … I tak boleh teruskan ni.

It leads to nowhere. As long as there’s a family, it will go NOWHERE. And deep down, I believe he is not willing to bring this anywhere, coz he doesnt want to hurt his young kids, and wife.

I’m SO FULL OF ANGST. I’M SURE IF I SEE THAT WOMAN, I WILL NOT HESITATE TO BURN HER ALIVE.

see!!?!?!?!??! And i’m the one who is having an affair with her husband. SO, NO!!! I can’t handle this. I’m one who is easily consumed by jealousy and envy. I want ALL OF IT TO MYSELF. NO SHARING.

I’m only turning 22. WHY am I burdening myself with all this? WHY? WHY? WHY? I’ve got so much ahead of me. I need to stop all this nonsense, and re-divert my life.

It scares me tho. Can i stop loving this man? Can i move on without him? Will i be able to make a clean break?

heart pricks.

Right now, he is with the family. His wife and kids. Having lunch.

And here I am with images of him and his family playing through my mind.

He’s probably holding her hands. Kissing her forehead. Sniffing her hair. Putting his arms around her. Hugging her tight. Looking into her eyes. Telling her, he loves her. And she, tells him the same.

He’s probably doing what he did to me, with her.

It gets even worse at night. When I lie in bed, alone. I imagine him with his wife. She’s hugging him, the way I always do. Her head on those shoulders I’m crazy about. Her arms around the man I love. His arms holding her. Not Me. Not Me. Not Me.

Them, in bed.

I can’t stand all these thoughts. It hurts me. I can’t even begin to describe the pain in my heart. My hands are shaking as I type this. I want it to stop. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to imagine his arms around someone else

He is mine. Why isn’t it my hands he is holding? Why can’t he be kissing me? Why can’t I have him telling me he loves me? Why isn’t his arms around me? Why can’t he be with me?

*Breathes In*

Ok. That’s his wife. He is her husband. She has all the rights. They are legal.

Yea. His words exactly, they are legal.

She is legally his wife. But me, I’m just the other woman. She has all the rights to have him with her, while I sit around with a heavy heart.

Even when they have sex, it’s legal. With me, it’s ZINA.

Where does that put me? Does he know it hurts me to think about it. No matter how much I love him, we are not, legal. We are a sin.

She. Has. All. The. Rights. He. is. Legally. Hers.

The man I truly love, is not mine. He is someone elses.

IT’S KILLING ME.

….

I’ve only received ONE sms from him. And he usually smses me every hour. I don’t even dare to hope for a phone call.

I can’t bear the pain. I can’t hold the tears. I’m scared. I need him.

Is he even thinking of me? Or is he too caught up with the family? Are they taking up all his time and mind?

Why isn’t he smsing me? It’s not that difficult to pick up the phone and type a few words. I just want to feel that he knows I exist.

I hate myself for being selfish. But I can’t stand this. I can’t bear the pain. I can’t stop all these thoughts that are running through my mind. It’s killing me inside.

I feel even worse, when I think about how she has all the rights to be with him. That he is hers.

She has got all the rights. They are legal.

And. I’m Nothing.

I’ll have to live with this pain. And it gets me thinking. Can I bear to share?

I want the man I love all to myself. It’s too painful. I don’t care about how rewarding it is, for the afterlife. I don’t want to share.

I don’t want to.

I love him too much. I love him. And he is with her.

Torn Apart

I’m filled with mixed emotions. All jumbled up, all confused.

Despite my fears and worries, it went well. Surprising well. Exceptionally well.

Too good. Too fast.

So, surreal.

How did it turn out this way? I expected to come home, swearing to myself, promising myself that I’ll never agree on another holiday with anyone else. At least, anyone that I barely know.

It started out weird.

Since I was all nerves. I felt awkward. I even had a temperature. We had to visit a clinic for that. How troublesome, aye?

But he was all nice about it. Too nice. I can’t help but cling on to his arms, and hug him. Who can resist those shoulders anyway. *chuckles* I have always been eyeing those shoulders, since the day we first met, at BBU. Yeay. I know, I should not. He’s married.

The first night was at Concorde Inn. That’s near KLIA. Reminded me of Kak Sarah, how she’s always there to visit her bf/tunang. Sandwiches for dinner, but I couldn’t swallow my food, with the fever and my nervy jumpy nerves. What a waste.

So we kissed despite my not-so-ok state. But I did manage to avoid everything else. It was not ok. I can’t do it. I know he was all geared up for more, judging from the way he was already on top of me, and trying to tear my clothes off. I just can’t. I can’t just have sex with a random guy. That I barely know. What worse, a guy with a wife waiting for him at home.

Lucky for me, he had to meet a friend who’s going to help him with the car. So he went off, and I went to bed. I was still awake when he came back, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I can’t do it. He’s married.

The next morning, we were off for Surabaya. Breakfast at McDonalds. Puking in the plane. A little bit more of putting my head on those shoulders. *grin* He makes me feel all “ngade ngade” inside. It must be those shoulders. And the lips.

When we got off the plane at Juanda, the first thing that hit me was the heat. Sweltering. Heat. It. Was. Fucking. Hot. I could have dehydrated and die from the heat. The. Sun. Was. Heating. That. Place. Up. With. A. Vengeance. I’ve never before been so thankful for the existence of airconditioning. It saved my life. The moment I got in the car, I had the aircon at full blast. But it was still hot.

And Surabaya’s traffic is a warpath. Crazy drivers.

Hotel. Room. Bed. Us on bed. Kissing. And him trying to tear my clothes off again.

All I could think of was, he’s married, his wife is waiting for him at home, with the kids.

He’s married. I couldn’t do it.

Ok, but I did give him a blowjob. For what, I didn’t know. I was almost hitting my head on the toilet wall after I did it. But it did got him off me, for a while. I think I shocked him. Maybe I scare him.

Lunch, AyamPenyet, yeay. Had a taste of Djarum Cappucino. WalkArd at Plaza Tujungan, that place is huge.

And I was clinging on his arms. It surprises me. Why did I do that? Why do I have this constant itch to hold him, feel him, have his arms around me. I don’t do it with other guys. I’m suppose to be the “I don’t need guys to lean on, I’m good on my own” sort. But he makes me feel .. needy?

Oh. When we came back, the clothes I sent for ironing was back. On the receipt, I was addressed as Mrs Shafirah. I couldn’t help chuckling.

Room. Kissed.And Licked. And nibble. I just can’t help it But I can’t do anything more. He’s married. That was playing on my mind, over and over, again.

Night came. We went to have IceCream. Nice. But it was still HOT. Sweltering heat. Humid. I was sweating while having icecream. Yes. Ironic. Supper, RoomService.

Made Out. Again. Yes. It’s those lips, and shoulders. And he feels so good. I love being in those arms. Ok, I got naked. And we did do it. But I was guilty as hell, after that.

He’s married. Argh.

ThankGod he didn’t last long. I don’t blame him. After 2 nights of anticipating it, and having me pushing him away … It must have shocked his system, to finally put it in me. But that was enough to make me feel guilty.

Slept in his arms. Bliss. I love those shoulders. Oh why has he got a wife at home. Else, I’ll be on him. *sigh*

Breakfast. Made out. I promised myself, no more sex. And off to the airport for Bali.

Denpasar. Hotel. Nice Room. Bed. Us, in bed. We just can’t keep our hands off each other. And lips. I love those lips. No sex.

HardRock. Dinner. Huge plate of nachos. Couldn’t even finish half of it.

Beach. Sat on the sand and looked at the waves. Talked.The night. The waves. The sand. Him beside me. It was so nice. Perfect. I swear I’m falling for him.

It breaks my heart.. He’s married.

Horse ride around town. Guy with the horse thinks we are married. Well, he is. Not with me, tho. Ahh. And I found myself wishing he is. mine. Damn.

Room. Cleaned Up. Bed. Us on each other. Sex. Yes, I broke my promise. I couldn’t help it. But I was feeling very guilty about it. I was nearly killing myself from the guilt. Sat and smoked my lungs out.

Did it again. Damn, by this time I really felt that I need to kill myself. Cuddle, and slept. No, I don’t want to die, I just want him. To be mine. To be unmarried.

Morning. Rolled around in bed. Cuddle. Sex. Guilt. I want him. He feels so good. I love being in his arms. I love having me on top of me. I love having him inside me.

Wife. Kids. At Home.

I WANT him.

Afternoon. Car. Lunch. Sightseeing. Falling for him. Definitely. I’m definitely falling for this guy. He just makes me feel all weak inside. All needy. With the attention he gives. The way those arms feel so right around me. And he touches me like no other.

Damn. That woman at home waiting for him is a lucky thing.

Dinner. I want this guy. Room. Sex. Guilty again. But heck, I want him.

I want to be in those arms. I want to be kissing those lips. Carressing that face. Leaning on those shoulders. I want those eyes to be looking into mine. Only mine. I want him to be mine.

But no, he’s married. Saw the pics of his family on his digi.. Ok, I sneaked a peek, behind his back. Wife looks sweet. I found myself apologising to her picture, telling her I’m sorry. It broke my heart. Why do I have to go through all this guilt just because I want someone so much.

Slept in his arms. Blissful. I feel safe. If only it could be like that, forever.

Morning. I feel like I want to wake up, to the warmth of his body, all my life. Rolled around in bed. Sex. He feels so right. Why does he have to be married?

Denpasar. KLia. ShahAlam, to get his car. Drove around Putrajaya. KL. Concorde. Dinner.
Room. Birthdaypresent. Bracelet. I love it.

Why does he do this? Why is he making me fall for him? Why am I falling for him?

Oh. He got to know about my past. My biggest mistake. My sin. And he can’t stop thinking about it. It breaks my heart. To be reminded of the past. To think about it. To see it affect him so much.

Sex. I can’t have enough of him. Cuddle. Sex. Barely slept. Morning, breakfast. Back to room, and found ourselves in bed again. Sex. Got ready. Check out. Drive back to JB.

I didn’t want all this to end yet. Not yet.

But he needs to go back to his wife. She was constantly calling him. Since day one. It didn’t bother me at first. But the last 2 days, my heart broke whenever he’s on the phone smsing/talking to her. Ahh. Why? He’s not even mine. He’s hers.

In Concorde, I did peeked at his inbox, when he was in the shower. She asked why isn’t he answering her calls. I feel sorry for her. Why am I doing this to her, she’s waiting for her husband to come home, desperate to talk to him, for him to answer her calls, and what am I doing? Having sex with him. While the wife is at home worrying.

But I want him. I don’t care about her. I want him. Why can’t I think about myself? Why do I have to feel so guilty? I wonder what goes through his mind. What is he thinking.. He doesn’t seem to be that bothered. Is he always doing this? Is he used to cheating on his wife?

Damn. I don’t want to know. Fuck.

I want him. I want his attention, all to myself. But I know, that’s impossible.

So. I’ll just act normal, and act like I don’t care.

Met the eStation guys. He needs the net. Dinner. Going home soon. It felt so heavy to leave him. I don’t want this to end…

Larkin. Car. Heading home. Neck full of lovebites. My body yearning for his touches, his kisses, him. His shoulders. Those arms. Those lips. Those eyes. I want that guy.
And here I am typing this away, wishing that I can cuddle up with him. And feel safe.

But he is with his family. *SIGH*

.jitters.

I’m all nervous.

Why oh Why, did I agree on the trip.

He is nice. Yes.

The idea of going off for a holiday is thrilling, especially since the only few places I’ve been to are parts of Malaysia. Yes.

I need a break. Yes.

What more is better that a break that’s being paid. No? ok. I don’t know. I’m suppose to be paying for it on my own. But, damn, since he is so eager on goin for a holiday with me, why not let him do the paying. Yes?

But ..

I’ve never been on a holiday with a guy, alone.

What more, a guy I barely know.

And .. a guy I barely know, that is married.

I’m all knots.

What happens during holidays? What happens in the hotel room? I bet we are sharing a room. And I don’t think there’ll be twin beds.

Which means, I will have to share a bed with a married guy that I barely know.

Ok yea, so we did kissed, when he came to Singapore the other day. But, it happened at the spur of the moment… and it felt so goood. His lips were nice, and soft. I couldn’t actually resist him…..

Ahhh…

DAMN. Are we going to have sex?

No. Please. No. He’s married. And I can’t just do it with a married man. I can’t just do it with someone I barely know.

But what if he wants it? I mean, why else is he so willing to bring me on a holiday? To get to know me better? Very unlikely.

Man. I’m in so deep. Why did I even agree on this .. but all the arrangements have been made, there’s no way I can back out now.

Let’s hope the days will past fast, and nothing dreadful happens.

1st

I’m 21. Finally. Hello Adulthood.

As this chapter of my life begins, as i clamber up the ladder of life, each moment shall be inscribed.

The past 20years had been a good one, albeit the mistakes and the breakdown. Despite unachieved dreams and disappointing moments. I got through each of them, and I came out stronger, learned.

That. Is. The. Past.

This, is time to embrace the present, and dream about the future.