i’ve never meant to question what we have. no. i will never do that, bcos i know what i feel.

however, i do know i made a mistake. i should not have, even think of such.. i should not have allow what i read to poison my mind, even a bit..

i minta maaf..

you know i love you with all i have. and i know, you love me with all u could. i’ve never doubted that.

which is why i’m still holding on, despite the hardships. i’m still holding on with all i’ve got.

i minta maaf.

at it again..

it’s only friday. tsk.

well, at least my head doesn’t hurt that much… as i try to not let my emotions get over me.  i’m trying to be positive about it… try to convince myself that things are going to be all right.

He’s only doing his duty as a husband, a father, as the man of the family, and i should have faith in him.  I will not lose him just bcos he spends time with his family. And I should not be bitter about how he spends much more time with them. He should be doing that.. they are his family… he should be spending most of his time with them.

I don’t want to throw tantrums… I don’t want to be demanding for too much… I don’t want to give him trouble… I should make things easy for him, support him.. have faith in him.

I’ll be ok. I’ll be fine. I need to be strong.

There are times when I catch myself thinking too much. When  my mind starts doing a little bit of wandering. And I can feel my emotions taking over.. my heart will feel heavy and the head will start to hurt.

But all I need to do is take a deep breath, tell myself it’ll be ok… then it won’t hurt so much.

I do not want to give him any trouble. And I will not.

Just two more days to go. For now at least…

for these few days, i’m just goin to blog n blog n blog. no mention of anything to anyone. no. im not going to whine and complain.

i’ll just bite my lips, and get thru these few days. i can’t promise that i’ll be strong, that i won’t cry.. but i hope i’m able to at least, only cry to myself, and not send him msges expressing my pains, and fear.

i’m going to be ok.

i hope.

honestly, it’s hard. i wish i know someone who has gone through what i’m goin thru.. so that i can get some idea on how to handle all this emotions. how to handle the situation.

i get upset rather easily. i’ll get jealous and bitter. i’ll get scared and insecure. i’ll feel sorry for myself. really, how do you handle all that? i’ve never been such an emotional wreck.

and when this happen, i’ll start thinking too much, asking too much questions, get all this crazy ideas n thoughts.. i’ll breakdown.. i’ll cry. i’ll get headaches and feel like throwing up.

i’ve never wanted to make things difficult for him. and i’ve always appreciated whatever he has done. But there are times when my jealousy and insecurities eats me up, that i’ll tend to break down, and ask for too much. I’ll be in so much anguish that i’ll start talking too much, start being difficult.

i don’t want to be difficult. i don’t want to make things difficult. i really don’t.

but, i’m an emotional wreck.

how can one not be?

excess baggage

i’m a bag of mixed emotions right now. its taking me down.

My instinct has been telling me that this could be happening, and i somehow could sense that this might happen. But when i read the msg, the truth hit me hard.. real hard.It shook me up. i was scared. i felt helpless. everything was all bleak. i could feel my stomach tightening. I felt like throwing up.. i was angry. i was mad. i felt betrayed. i was shaking when i asked abt it. it shook me up bad. the prospect of it was a slam in the face for me. i felt like there was no more hope. things are difficult as it is, and now, this.

I was consumed with jealousy. I was thinking about how, he will be paying more attention to her. About how she gets to carry his child. About how this is a joy for him, and it’s her who gets to give him the joy.

Not me.

When he told me abt the miscarriage, it was another slam. it shut me up instantly. i blanked out. i couldn’t say a word. i felt like slapping myself. i felt sorry for her. i really do. it must have been heartbreaking.

I felt guilty, there i was, snuggling up with her husband… when she’s in the hospital…

But, there was also the sense of relief. I actually felt relieved !!

What happened must have been a blow for them, and there i was, feeling relieved.

What has gotten into me? When did i turn into this person that I am now… I scare myself.

…

The next few days will be hard. I’m already feeling the strain.

I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I do not want to make things more difficult for him. I really don’t want to.

And I hope I won’t betray myself. Even if it feels like I’m dying, he won’t hear a word about my pain and my misery… I’m not going to make things difficult for him. I should not be making it more difficult for him..

He doesn’t need to be worrying about me. The wife needs the attention. She should be getting all the attention now. Its her rights anyway. That’s her husband. They are a family. A normal happy family. And at this very point of time, she needs him.

I’ve no business feeling like the world is going to end.. Come to think of it, I’m not even suppose to be in the picture.

….

But why does it hurt so much?

firah. pls.

why can’t things be easy..  why do i hurt so much.

i have to learn how to deal with all this..

the throbbing headache is back.

fuck la.

i’m snapping at everyone. getting pissed off by everything. i feel like biting someone’s head off. and i have all this vile n angry thoughts in me….

I can feel the anger in me. Its eating me up….

And it feels heavy.

argh!!

winning the battle, NOT.

I’m tired. From all the battles i’ve been having with myself.

I’m an emotional wreck now. I’m drained out. And there are more to come. The next 2weeks.

I hate all these thoughts that comes to me. I hate how it tugs my heart so hard, that my chest hurts. Theres this unbearable pain, and the headaches that comes with it. Its torturous.

Its mentally draining to console myself. I need to keep my mind off all these thoughts. I need to force it to be strong, to reason things out. And most of the time, it betrays me. And I will only end up in tears.

Last night, i had to off my phone and put it in one of my drawers.. I didn’t want to be msging him late at night, telling him how I feel .. and shits like that. It’ll just hurt me more. Coz there’ll be no replies. And even if he does reply, all he has got to say is “Jgn pikir mcm2″

If only it’s that easy! If only i could say that to myself, and all these crazy thoughts will go away and never come back. IF ONLY !!

I do want to be strong. I do want to be appreciative. But there are times when I fail myself. Times when I start to think too much, and question whatsoever that is going on.

Times when I believe that I should get the hell out of this. Coz, it wont end here.. and the pain is too much for me to bear. It’s fucking too much!!!!!!!!!

arghHHHH

this is draining me.. mentally, physically, emotionally.

its affecting my health, my well being and even my relationship with others.

it’s affecting ME. badly.

I cant do this anymore. I’m tired.  I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stand this.

I’m not the sort to stand by, and tolerate. I can never be that. I DON’T WISH TO TOLERATE ANYMORE.

Enough. There’s no point denying, no need to save it, no use of holding on tight….. Its obvious, i’m not made for sharing, and this relationship is not for me. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it.

I love him. With all my heart and soul. I love this man. I need this man. But what I can’t handle is the very fact that he has got a family.

And along the way I’d realised that, I’ve got no qualms abt hurting the wife, fuck, I really don’t give much shit. I do pity the kids a bit. However, the one thing that’s stopping me, is myself. I can’t do this to myself.

This has been affecting me too much. The dizzy spells, the throbbing headaches, the tummyache, the puking. It has got to stop. This is causing undue stress, and I need it to stop. I might be heading head on to a depression. I don’t want that.

I am not made for sharing. I want to be in a normal relationship. I want to be the only one. No other…

I minta maaf, I tahu u cuba yg terbaik, yg terbaik u mampu… tapi i perlukan lebih dari ni. I inginkan lebih dari ni. Biar, I la yg segala-galanya. I lah yg satu-satunya… I perlukan itu. I mahukan itu. I terlalu sayangkan u, terlalu sgt. Dan I tak boleh terima hakikat yg u milik org lain, dan bukan hak i. I tak akan boleh terima kenyataan itu. I tahu, I tak ada pilihan lain… jadi, I rasa ini lah yg terbaik … I tak boleh teruskan ni.

It leads to nowhere. As long as there’s a family, it will go NOWHERE. And deep down, I believe he is not willing to bring this anywhere, coz he doesnt want to hurt his young kids, and wife.

I’m SO FULL OF ANGST. I’M SURE IF I SEE THAT WOMAN, I WILL NOT HESITATE TO BURN HER ALIVE.

see!!?!?!?!??! And i’m the one who is having an affair with her husband. SO, NO!!! I can’t handle this. I’m one who is easily consumed by jealousy and envy. I want ALL OF IT TO MYSELF. NO SHARING.

I’m only turning 22. WHY am I burdening myself with all this? WHY? WHY? WHY? I’ve got so much ahead of me. I need to stop all this nonsense, and re-divert my life.

It scares me tho. Can i stop loving this man? Can i move on without him? Will i be able to make a clean break?

holding on tight.

i miss him badly.

there’s never been a day when i don’t get to hear his voice.

now that he’s with the family, it’s rather difficult.

i’m trying to be strong. i am strong. whatever it takes, i want to get through this without any breakdown.

i love him. so much. too much.

for whatever it takes.

my love, my life, my everything.

i sayang u sangat.  terlalu sayang kan u.

  kita dah 6bulan. cepat kan?

 byk gaduh .. byk bertengkar.

  dan walaupun u jauh….

  i rasa mcm u dekat. mcm u selalu dgn i.

  i don’t feel the distance.

 u make ur presence felt. that’s one thing i love about u.

  i love the way u put ur heart to do things.

  i love the way u make me feel like nothing else matter, but me.

  i love the way u are concern about me, about everything.

  yang. i want to give you everything.

 everything there is to life.

  i want to share with u my dreams n my life. the sweetness and the sorrows. the pain n the joy.

  i want u to be part of my future. i want u to always be around.

i want u to hold me. i want u to hug me. i want u to make me feel save. and tell me, that nothing else matter .. but us. you and me.

  i want u.

yang. i love u, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my life. i love u more, with each passing day. and i will always love u.

and i want to be there for u.

  to go thru everything with u.

  i want to be yours.

  i love u.

  i love u now, and i’ll love u always.

goodnite. dear.

  dream of me, coz i’ll be dreaming of u.